


The Gilded Teapot

by WarnerHedgehog



Series: The Dorchester Name Four [4]
Category: Original Work
Genre: Café, Crime, Gangsters, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-07
Updated: 2020-04-07
Packaged: 2021-03-02 04:27:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,766
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23529145
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WarnerHedgehog/pseuds/WarnerHedgehog
Summary: Eileen Rhatbag has established her own cafe after departing the Snivells. During a shopping trip she comes into the possession of The Gilded Teapot. Several others are also after it, notably stereotypical Chicago accented Eli.Eli has a sidekick: the slightly dim-witted Wyvern. Wyvern is also a stereotypical Film Noir gangster.Its fair to say this is sort of a nod to The Maltese Falcon, or at least various cartoon renditions of it.The name comes from a shop in Dorchester that sells a wide variety of tea and coffee.
Series: The Dorchester Name Four [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1692214





	1. Cast

**Eileen Rhatbag:** Once worked as a cook for upper class twits The Snivells but won the eurolotto and quit. Owner of the Maltese Falcon Teahouse. Addicted to knick-knacks.

 **Louis Code:** Late 30s or 40s. Fairly smartly dressed in a greyish suit and a mad tie. Newly promoted inspector and lover of pastries.

 **Carol Potiphar:** Late 20s ish. Smartly dressed. Sidekick of and subordinate to Louis. May have a love of torturing criminals. Might be a loon in sidekick’s clothes.

 **Eli Criminal:** Stereotypical Chicago style mobster who wants to get his paws on the Gilded Teapot. Talks with an over-the-top gangster accent. May well be wearing some sort of awful prohibition-era suit and a stupid hat. Might even have a pencil moustache. 

**Wyvern Dothat:** Eli’s dim-witted henchman. Not entirely interested in the criminal lifestyle. It could be that he fancies Gail. Wearing a slightly less OTT version of Eli’s outfit. Might not have the hat. 

**Gail Typhoon:** Early 20s, Waitress and terrible gossip. Something of an airhead. This may be an image thing. Might well be the next TV maths genius.

 **Gary Secret-Purpose:** Late 20s. Customer at the teahouse. He is the secret keeper of the true Gilded Teapot and wants to get it back. Also fancies Gail and is liable to try to combine work and pleasure.

 **June Marbles:** Elderly crime solving nosy old bat and friend of Eileen. Due to scripting errors and a possible previous engagement, June may not appear. Please see her agent. 


	2. The Gilded Teapot

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The main bit.

**Scene:**   
**CAFE. TWO TABLES ARE SET SLIGHTLY TO THE LEFT, THERE’S A COUNTER AT THE BACK WITH SOME SHELVES BEHIND IT. THERE’S A DOOR MARKED 'STAFF ONLY' TO ITS RIGHT. TO THE LEFT OF THE SHELVES IS A COATSTAND.**   
**EILEEN WALKS ON. SHE’S WEARING A COAT AND IS CARRYING A BAG OF STUFF SHE’S BOUGHT. SHE PUTS THE BAG ON THE COUNTER AND HANGS HER COAT UP.**

**EILEEN:** Gail, I’m back!

**GAIL WALKS ON THROUGH THE DOOR AS EILEEN STARTS TO EMPTY HER BAG OUT.**

**GAIL:** Welcome back. Well how’d you get on then? How was the auction? 

**EILEEN:** Well, it wasn’t too bad. It was pretty busy, but there was a lot of weird old baldies there for some reason.

 **GAIL:** Sounds slightly strange. Did you pick up anything good?

**AS EILEEN ANSWERS, SHE SHOWS EACH ITEM TO GAIL AND THEH PLONKS THEM ON THE COUNTER.**

**EILEEN:** There was quite a lot of dust covered boxfulls of tat, but I’ve managed to get a few bits and bobs: There’s this picture of an alcoholic legal eagle, these weird copper things, a signed photograph of King Henry the Eighth, an actual genuine Victorian walkman, a few grotty horse brasses, a small steam-powered shrew and this cute little teapot. I also bought this: **SHE PULLS A SCROLL OUT OF THE BAG** I've always wanted one of these: it’s a copy of the James Carr Papyrus.

 **GAIL: LOOKING SOMEWHAT CONFUSED** What’s The James Card Pappyruss?

 **EILEEN:** The James Carr Papyrus you daft girl. It tells of a man who reputedly did the world’s first stand up comedy routine. According to the renowned historian and Egyptologist Keith MeBaby he performed for King Inept of Egypt in 750 BC and managed to create the perfect comedy atmosphere. It was going really well until he was heckled with some style by the pharoah. Unfortunately for him he forgot where he was temporarily and automatically verbally retaliated, which was apparently a massive mistake as bits of him were shortly sent to the far reaches of Egypt. On the advice of the Grand Vizier/Minister of Dodgy Financial Practices, they sent his severed head to Rome for tax avoidance purposes. It was all rather sad really. I was considering a framed yet strangely blood-stained copy of the Alan Carr Papyrus, but it was just too weird.

 **GAIL: UNIMPRESSED OR UNINTERESTED:** Oh, that’s nice. What about this gold-ish teapot? 

**EILEEN: MILDLY DEFLATED** : It was in with the copper bits. I think it’s gilded or maybe it might be plated, I don’t know but I just think it’ll look good up on that shelf. **SHE PUTS IT ONTO A SHELF AND THEN PICKS UP THE EAGLE PICTURE** Wonder where to put this? **STARTS TO HOLD IT AGAINST THE WALL IN VARIOUS PLACES**. Any thoughts Gail? **LOOKS AT GAIL, WHO IS BUSY POLISHING HER NAILS** No, probably not. **SPEAKS LOUDLY** Come on Gail, let’s go clean this stuff.   
**THEY COLLECT THE BITS AND BOBS TOGETHER AND TAKE THEM INTO THE BACK ROOM.**

**ELI AND WYVERN WALK IN AND STAND IN THE MIDDLE OF THE STAGE**

**WYVERN:** So, what’s all this about a teapot then boss?

 **ELI:** You know that famous relic, the Gilded Teapot of Fordington? Well there are rumours that it's somehow been brought to this town and according to Know-It-All Alistair it’s worth an absolute fortune. 

**WYVERN:** Alistair say who’s got it then?

 **ELI:** He thinks it was brought into town by one of Big Dave Crimeboss' goons, who since gone and lost it. He reckons it might have somehow ended up in that auction at Northerby’s. Problem is, our mate Bob Sneakworthy was at the auction and says he didn’t see it and as you know, Bob is good for spotting expensive weird stuff.

 **WYVERN:** So what we gonna do boss? 

**ELI:** I don't know yet, so I’m gonna have to think about it. There has to be a way of finding the thing and then getting our grubby paws on it. Let’s get a coffee and consider our options.

**AND SIT AT THE TABLE TO THE LEFT. GAIL WALKS OUT FROM THE BACK AND ELI WAVES HER OVER.**

**GAIL:** Hi, what can I do for for you?

 **ELI:** Hey there doll, can we get a pot of English Mobster coffee?

GAIL: Sure, but if you call me 'doll' again, I'll smash your face in with a chair. Capiche?

 **ELI:** **MEEKLY** Capiche.

**THE LAST COMMENT STUNS ELI AND WYVERN INTO SILENCE. GAIL GOES BACK TO THE COUNTER AND STARTS MAKING DRINKS. AS SHE FIDDLES, GARY WALKS IN. HE LEANS ON THE COUNTER AND STARTS TO FLIRT.**

**GARY:** So what’s new?

 **GAIL:** **FLIRTING BACK** Why do you want to know? Are you after something?

 **GARY:** Might be, you never know. 

**GAIL:** Well, if you must know, her ladyship’s been on a buying spree again. She went to that auction of arty stuff and picked up some glittery things.

 **GARY:** Glittery is good: after all, who doesn't like sparkly things?

 **GAIL:** Well, men and magpies certainly do.

 **GARY: HAMMING IT** UP Why in all my life, never have I been slighted so! I am most horribly and incredibly hurt! You wound me with your barbs of steel and your tone so viciously sharp! Am I to be reduced to the status of a painted crow by your words so cutting? Must my station in life be considered to be equal to that of a pretentious two-tone feathered avian? Am I to sliced so that I am to placed on level footing with a mere pied corvid? I must declare that I have never been belittled so and in so withering a manner. I am cut to the quick and am so verily belittled by your conversation so debilitating and deadly. 

**GAIL: GIGGLING** Why, it's as if Shakespeare himself was in the room!

 **GARY:** A young, dynamic and extremely good looking Shakespeare. Come on Gail, what she get?

 **GAIL:** Oh all right, quit yer nagging Gareth. There was this mouldy old scroll....the James Cord Pappyrush or something, that was nice. There were some coppery brassy things, a picture of a bird, some other tacky bits of brassy junk and there was something else **PAUSES TO REMEMBER** oh yeah, I remember now: there was a shiny gold teapot.

 **GARY:** Ooh, shiny is good: I like shiny, tell me more!

**ELI AND WYVERN PERK THEIR EARS UP AT THE WORDS 'SHINY GOLD TEAPOT'.**

**WYVERN:** 'ere, boss. You hear what the broad behind the counter just said? Sounds like da owner of this place has got da teapot.

 **ELI: DELIBERATELY EARWIGS ON GARY AND GAIL'S CONVERSATION** I think you're right. That means you're due a medal for being right for once.

 **WYVERN:** Gee, thanks for the vote of confidence.

 **ELI:** Anytime Wyvern. We'd best make sure its the right one and not some bit of thrift store junk. 

**THE TWO MOBSTERS START TO PAY MORE ATTENTION TO GAIL AND GARY'S CONVERSATION.**

**GAIL:** You're just using that old thing to get to me aren't you?

 **GARY:** Well, why not? Seems like a wise idea to me.

 **GAIL** : You men are all the same: shiny things and chasing women, and if you can combine the two then you think you're onto an absolute winner.

 **GARY** : And what's wrong with shiny things? Shiny things are wonderful and a great thing to want to possess.

 **GAIL:** I'm not saying there's anything wrong with loving shiny things, it just an observation.

 **GARY:** Speaking of shiny things, where's this shiny teapot? I would love to see it.

 **GAIL:** I'm sure you would you big tart.

 **GARY** : Tart, moi? How very dare you? How could you possibly consider me to be a tart?

 **GAIL:** Very easily as it happens. Hang on a tick.

**GAIL FINISHES MAKING THE COFFEE AND TAKES IT OVER TO ELI AND WYVERN**

**ELI:** Cheers Dol..sorry, young lady.

 **GAIL:** Well remembered. **SHE RETURNS TO THE COUNTER** I don't know where she put it. Why don't you join me in the back room so we can search about?

 **GARY:** How can I possibly turn down an offer like that? Lead on my lady.

**EILEEN OPENS THE DOOR JUST AS THEY GET TO IT.**

**EILEEN:** And just where are you taking this young man Gail? You're not up to anything...suspect are you?

 **GAIL:** Oh, I'm just going to show him some shiny things.

 **GARY:** Shiny metallic things before you comment.

 **EILEEN:** Is that all your going to do?

 **GAIL:** I wouldn't dream of doing anything untoward.

 **EILEEN:** Dreaming is one thing, doing it is another.

 **GARY:** I promise not to get up to anything naughty with Gail. For the next few hours anyway.

 **EILEEN:** Well I suppose thats fine then. **WINKS THEATRICALLY**

**GARY AND GAIL GO OUT THE BACK. ELI AND WYVERN LOOK AT EACH OTHER AND NOD THEY BOTH STAND UP AND GO OVER TO EILEEN.**

**EILEEN:** Can I help you gentlemen?

 **ELI:** I'll make this nice and simple. **GETS HIS GUN OUT** Give me da teapot lady, give it to me now or I’m gonna fill ya full of lead.

 **EILEEN:** Are you straight out of a bad gangster novel? I didn’t think anyone anywhere ever talked like that.

 **ELI:** Alright alright, no need to get all personal, I was just trying to get in character. The threat still stands though: give me the teapot or get hurt.

 **EILEEN:** What teapot?

 **ELI:** Don’t play dumb with me sister, it ain’t gonna wash. You picked up a golden teapot at that auction and I want it. Now where is it?

 **EILEEN:** That tatty, wonky old thing? But its just a bit of rather rustic looking tat. Why on earth would you want a grotty old teapot?

 **WYVERN:** Because we do lady. Hand it over! 

**EILEEN:** If you want it that badly, it must be valuable. I think I want to keep it.  
  
**WYVERN:** No you don't. You want to help the fortunes of struggling Illinois independant entrepreneurs as they try to gain a foothold in the economies of world powers, and additionally to that you don't want to get shot, do you?

 **ELI:** That is exactly how I'd put it. Nice work Henchman.

 **WYVERN:** 'Henchman'? My name's Wyvern. How long have you known me?

 **ELI:** 10 years, I was just trying to be stylish.

 **WYVERN:** Oh right. Fair enough. Where were we?

 **ELI:** I'm not sure.

 **EILEEN:** Something about, um, struggling entrepreneurs I think.

 **ELI:** Err, ok, hang on a tick...errr, Oh yeah, are you going to hand the teapot over or not?

 **EILEEN:** Well, during that little burst of comedic script padding I've been giving it due thought, and on balance I think I'm not really interested in the fiscal affairs of a pair of cartoon mobsters. I think I want to improve the fortunes of a struggling British cafe owner instead, so I think I'll keep it. Besides, you're the most useless criminals I've ever met, and I've seen a few. Kindly naff off and go after someone else's teapot.

 **ELI:** If only it were that simple my lady; if only things worked that way, but alas they do not. I think 'naffing off' is not an option. You do not comprehend the gravity of your situation: You possess the Gilded Teapot of Fordington and we're going to relieve you of it. Now where is it? I do not wish to ask you again. I do not want there to be any unpleasantness and I do not wish to resort to violence, but I will if I have to. I apologise for sounding like that bloke in The Usual Suspects, but that's the quality of this play for you. 

**LOUIS AND CAROL WALK IN WITH THE INTENTION OF EATING DOUGHNUTS AND DRINKING TEA. THEIR ARRIVAL PROMPTS ELI AND WYVERN TO QUICKLY HIDE THEIR GUNS BEHIND THEIR BACKS.**

**CAROL:** And thats when he throws up over the judge. If I hadn't been there to see it myself, I never would have believed it.

 **LOUIS:** Sounds terrible. Still, It couldn't have happened to a nicer axe-murderer and a dafter justice. **LOOKS AT EILEEN** Can I have two teas and a couple of jam doughnuts please m'dear.

 **EILEEN:** Certainly inspector.

**ELI AND WYVERN LOOK AT EACH OTHER.**

**WYVERN:** Excuse me, but are you with the police?

 **LOUIS:** Yes, why?

 **ELI:** This is why! **POINTS HIS GUN AT LOUIS** Get back copper, I've got a shooter here and I ain't messing around. I don't want to make a big fuss, all I want is the Gilded Teapot of Fordington. I get that and I'll leave.

 **LOUIS:** Right, fine. I may be a little behind here: whats the Guilty Teapot of Fordington?

 **WYVERN:** We're after the Gilded Teapot. Don't you try that stalling the bad guy trick, it ain't gonna work on us.

 **LOUIS:** Errm, I wasn't. I just don't know what you're blathering on about.

 **ELI: SIGHS AT THE PROSPECT OF EXPLAINING THINGS** This is the first and only time I'll explain this, so please pay attention to this bit of plot filler. Listening? Good. The Gilded Teapot of Fordington is a famed and wonderfully shiny teapot from antiquity. Originally intended to be a common milk jug, it was crafted by renowned metalworker and surrealist loony Herman Ischeating for Bernard Crummy, the 9th king of Culliford in the 13th Century and is believed to have magical qualities due to Bernard being cursed by the mad-as-a-toothbrush botox-witch Annhilda Robinsen. Due to the subtle and slightly peculiar nature of the curse it has had a tumultuous journey throughout history, being bounced from fortune-seeker to power hungry maniac to fruitcake and eventually it ended up in the nefarious clutches of notorious Chiswick mobster Big Dave Crimeboss. Due to a spectacular yet idiotic cock-up by one of his hapless minions it left his posession and wound up in an auction of awful rubbish and now has found its way into the hands of this cafe owner. It's worth an absolute ton of cash and I want to be the next fortune seeker in line. 

**LOUIS:** That explains some of this. Am I to presume the good people of this café are your hostages?

 **WYVERN:** Presume all you want flatfoot!

 **LOUIS:** Flatfoot?

 **WYVERN:** Sorry, I got a bit carried away. 

**LOUIS:** Not a problem. 

**WYVERN:** Thank you. Where was I? Oh yeah, I remember: You can presume what you want, just not here and not now. Back off slowly and let us carry on our negotiations and no-one has go get hurt.

 **ELI:** Enough already! This crazy banter is getting us nowhere. Just get lost and we'll quietly finish this negotiation and we'll be on our way. We don't want to hurt anyone if we don't have to if you get my drift.

 **CAROL:** I'm not sure we can do that. Its something to do with this being a hostage situation which is sort of a criminal matter, and we're kinda duty-bound to intervene.

 **LOUIS:** And purely out of interest, who are you exactly?

 **ELI:** I am Eli Criminal and this is my associate, Wyvern Dothat and I am an unrepentant entrepreneur and businessman. 

**CAROL:** I've heard of you! Weren't you kicked out of Chicago's Dingleberry Mafia Cartel? Something to do with having as much business sense as a dried herring and also being useless with a Tommy gun. Wasn't there some overdone drama concerning an inflatable duck, a corrupt judge, a robot sheep and 80 tonnes of cocaine?

 **ELI: ANGRY AND EMBRARRASED** That wasn't me! That was notorious South Dakota mobster Elmer Crumminal. I was kicked out of New York's Wurphless Cartel for very similar reasons, and have been trying to put that whole sorry situation behind me and become a better, more efficient gangster. Thank you so much for bringing that back up, just as I was starting to get over it.

 **CAROL:** Not a problem. If you want it brought up again, just let me know.

 **ELI:** Well I don't, so there.

 **CAROL** : Are you sure, it isn't a problem. I can bring it up again at any time.

 **ELI:** Enough! I want the teapot and I want it now! 

**EILEEN:** Alright, alright! There's no need to shout. Hang on a moment, its just over here.

 **EILEEN GETS THE TEAPOT OFF THE SHELF BUT KEEPS HOLD OF IT**.

 **EILEEN:** This what you're after?

 **ELI:** That's it! That's the famed Gilded Teapot of Fordington.

 **EILEEN:** It may well be as this is the thing I picked up this morning. The thing is, I want to keep it, so there.

 **WYVERN:** No you want to hand it to us an stay in one piece.

 **EILEEN:** You could always buy it off me. I'm open to five figure offers.

 **ELI:** But we're not you see. I'm not interested in buying it legitimately, I would much rather you volunteered to hand it over.

**GARY AND GAIL WALK OUT FROM THE BACK ROOM.**

**ELI:** Stop right there you two. Keep your hands where I can see 'em.

 **GAIL:** Um, what's happening? Are we being robbed?

 **WYVERN:** This is just a business deal _doll._ Keep calm and you might survive.

 **EILEEN:** Ha! They're a couple of very poor cut-price hoods who want to pinch this. **WAVES THE TEAPOT AT GAIL, ELI TRIES TO GRAB IT.** They think it's something called 'The Gilded Teapot of Coddington' or something.

 **GARY:** Hang on a moment. Can you show me that please Mrs Rhatbag?

 **EILEEN:** Sure. **WITHOUT TAKING HER EYES OFF OF ELI, EILEEN LETS GARY TAKE A LOOK AT IT.**

 **GARY:** Well, if I can just stick my beak in here, I think you guys are onto a big loser here. I hate to break it to you, but that ain't the Gilded Teapot of Fordington.

 **ELI:** Who in the name of Simon Cowell's trousers are you and what the hell do you know about it? Are you an antiques expert or something?

 **GARY:** As it turns out, yes I am. **QUICKLY WHIPS OUT A BUSINESS CARD AND HANDS IT TO ELI.** As it says, I am an Industrial-strength assessor of antiquities at the Beer Hackett Museum of Very Dusty Knackered Old Things, and I happen to know a thing or two about the Gilded Teapot and its many imitators.

 **GAIL:** No wonder you were so interested in that thing.

 **ELI:** That may well be the case, but how does that give you any business sticking your beak into our little negotiation?

 **GARY:** Simple, I know what you are trying to procure, and it ain't the real Gilded Teapot of Fordington. You see I am an expert on the artefact in question, and judging by the rather wonky and shoddy looking lines of it, what our café owning friend here has managed to get hold of is a rather bad copy of the teapot that was made in Southend on Sea in 1967 by a rather poor forgery ring run by a berk with a scruffy goatee beard and a badly dyed moustache. His name was Isador Notador and he was possibly the worst forger and counterfeiter in England, and in all probability he was the worst in the world. In the mid 60s he found a couple of very poor photos of the teapot and decided he could knock out a few hundred copies of the thing and make a huge profit. In the end he made a loss of 200 quid and managed to alienate the entire criminal population of Essex as well as making himself look like a complete pillock in the process. It's worth about 2 pounds to the right collector as very few people are tasteless enough to want any of Isador's masterpieces.

 **ELI: LOWERS HIS GUN IN DISBELIEF** You mean we're completely wasting our time chasing after this thing?

 **GARY:** You've been wasting your time, ours and that of the audience. The real teapot is on display in a well guarded cabinet in the Grand Museum of Horrific and Style Free Junk in Southampton. 

**ELI:** Its in Hampshire? Oh for crying out loud. That really is too much. I'm not going to go through the hassle of renewing my passport, vaccinations and international budgie smuggler's certificate just to get to chuffing Hampshire. 

**LOUIS: GRABBING ELI** You may be wasting the majority of peoples time here, but you're not wasting ours though. I'm arresting you, Eli. 

**ELI:** You can't arrest me! I'm just an entrepreneur and industrious businessman trying to make his way in the world!

 **LOUIS:** You're a gangster with a gun who happens to be threatening a law-abiding citizen because you're after a notable antique.

 **ELI: QUICKLY HIDING HIS GUN** No no no, You've got it all wrong mate. I'm no criminal, I'm just a harmless aquirer and seller of various items.

 **LOUIS:** Do me a lemon, you're a rubbish criminal.

 **CAROL:** Yeah, you're the Don Adressinggown of Dorset.

 **ELI:** Am not. I'm an honest citizen. 

**LOUIS:** I don't believe you for a microsecond.

 **ELI:** I can assure you I am a completely honest, above board, entirely legit, nothing dodgy whatsoever, totally law-abiding business personage who has no interest in carrying out any criminal acts at all. None. Not one. I never have and never will do anything of an illegal nature.

 **LOUIS:** Carol, his defence is pretty watertight. I just don't know if can do anything.

 **CAROL:** Well, we have to arrest him for something: He is the bad guy after all. 

**LOUIS:** Carol is right. Eli Criminal, its my duty to take you in so I’m arresting you for **HE PAUSES TO THINK OF SOMETHING** Crimes against fashion. Your hat and suit don’t match at all and that tie is hideous and as for those shoes, urrgghh, they're awful: so nineteen-twenties. Carol, cuff the gentleman please.

**CAROL CUFFS ELI ROUND THE EAR.**

**ELI:** Ow! There's no need for that horrendous display of vicious police brutality! I have witnesses to that. I am a victim of police heavy-handedness. **EVERYONE TAKES A STEP BACK AND SHAKES THEIR HEADS.**

 **LOUIS:** Not like that Carol, you know what I meant.

 **CAROL:** Oh all right. Spoil my fun why not? **TALKS TO ELI AS SHE PULLS A PAIR OF SUSPICIOUSLY FLUFFY HANDCUFFS OUT** Turn around hat-boy. **HE TURNS AROUND AND SHE HANDCUFFS HIM IN A ROUGH MANNER.**

 **ELI: NODS TOWARD WYVERN** What about him? He's my henchman! I demand you arrest him as well!

 **WYVERN:** Cheers _boss_ , thank you so very much. I've been thinking about this for a while, and I think that you're a terrible leader, an awful gangster and you have a horrible dress sense. As well as that, you're forever insulting me, so I want nothing more to do with you. I'm quitting the mobster life and its endless series of reprisals, revenge attacks and water balloon soakings. I've decided that I'm going to head off to Bristol where I'm going to start an alpaca and ostrich farm. I might even try to breed herons. Hopefully with a little luck, I'll never see you again.

**WYVERN THROWS HIS GUN DOWN AND EXITS TO THE LEFT WITH DETERMINATION. LOUIS PICKS THE GUN UP.**

**LOUIS:** Well it looks like you're on your own. You're in no position to demand anything Eli. You may not have a henchman anymore, but you do have rights: You have the right to a solicitor, you have the right to join the local council while dressed as a nun, you have the right to wear a collander as a hat and look like a complete tit, you can choose to speak or to shut up, you have the right to be wrong and the right to a smack in the face with a wet turbot. Got all of that? **ELI NODS UNCERTAINLY** Good, glad to hear it. Carol, let's get this scumsack back to the nick so we can waterboard 'Im. I might be tempted to use the Pointy Sticks of Interrogation that the CIA's fictitious crime unit sent us or even get out the spiky bitey nipple clamps. Eli Criminal, you're proper nicked mate.

 **CAROL:** Ooohh, I haven't done a good waterboarding for years. C'mon Eli the mobster, you gonna get real wet. 

**LOUIS AND CAROL DRAG THE PROTESTING ELI OFF FOR AN AFTERNOON OF WATERBOARDING FUN**.

 **EILEEN:** Well, that was rather unexpected. Now what do I do. That idiot may be gone, but I'm sure he won't be the only one to think I've got the real thing.

 **GARY:** Tell you what, that thing may only a cheap imitation but it's only going to attract more fruitcakes like that low rent Mafia reject.

 **EILEEN:** Yeah, you're right. I've got to get shot of it and make sure that the criminal underworld know it isn't here. 

**GARY:** I think I can be of service here. The best thing to is for it to be gone from here and for everyone to know its somewhere else. What I can do is take it off your hands and then put out a rumour with the local gossips and informants that some chavvy lummox from the Piddlehinton massive has nicked it. That'll fox the fortune seekers. 

**EILEEN:** Not a bad idea **SHE HANDS GARY THE TEAPOT** Here, take the thing and get rid of it. If I ever see another shiny teapot like that again it'll be too soon. I'm going back there and I'm gonna get myself a pint of whisky. Thank you Gary. **SHE GOES INTO THE BACK ROOM.**

 **GAIL:** I never knew she had any whisky hidden back there. I might have to join her in a minute. So what are you going to do now young Gareth?

 **GARY** : I'm going to take this back to the Museum and see about comparing it to the original, and then I'm going to sell it for scrap. 

**GAIL:** Well, that's good then. I'm going to see if her Ladyship needs any help. See you tonight?

 **GARY:** Sure thing. **GAIL GOES INTO THE BACK.**

 **GARY: TO THE AUDIENCE** Well as you can guess, the Beer Hackett Museum thing is just a ruse. My name is Gary Secret-Purpose and I am a member of the Unluminated Brethren of the Gilded Teapot. We are a secret society dedicated to obtaining the famed Gilded Teapot and stopping it falling into the hands of any more treasure and power hunting madmen, and to the worship of Sandra Bullock. As you may by now be aware, what I hold here is the true Teapot of fame and the one in Hampshire is a forgery and now that I finally have it our main mission is almost at an end. I will now take this to a secret crypt far beneath rural Sherborne, where it shall be placed on the sacred altar of James Carr, which after sacred rite will be protected by the goddesses Rachal Rilee and Suzaan Dennt. The crypt will then be sealed and guarded by our order until it's finally lost in the mists of time. And so endeth the rather sad and sorry and slightly far fetched tale of the Gilded Teapot of Fordington.   
Until next time, goodnight folks. 


End file.
